Boundaries are Power

August 2011

Setting boundaries is not about controlling others, it is a way of protecting yourself from their transgressions. People will do what they want. You are simply teaching them how you want to be treated. By setting clear lines with others, you may find that you eliminate several of your professional problems. And it can also have the added benefit of improving your personal relationships as well.  

It helps to gently tell others at the first infraction. Do not wait. It will be much easier to stay calm and neutral if you address things immediately. Here is a sample dialogue:

(You) “Do you realize you are 25 minutes late?”

(Colleague) “So sorry; I was stuck in traffic.”

(You) “Of course, I know you respect my time.”

Let the other party make a graceful retreat, and reinforce the behavior you want—respect. Do not gloss over this! Most people think, “Oh, this is the first time it’s happened,” or, “It is just a small thing, so I won’t make a fuss.” This is precisely the time to inform. You might say, “This is our first appointment, so you had no way of knowing how important timeliness is to me.” 

Benefits of Having Clear Boundaries

You gain respect

We do not respect people who are “doormats” that we walk over. We are often tempted to abuse those without boundaries. Perhaps this trait is part of the survival-of-the-fittest concept—animals casting out the weak and sick so the stronger members can thrive.

Often after you create a new boundary, such as “People can’t criticize me,” either you will be tested right away or no one will violate it. Most people instinctively sense your new boundaries and don’t go there; in this example, it’s likely no one will criticize you anymore thanks to the powerful aura that you’ll be projecting.

People with strong boundaries get promoted

We are naturally attracted to the people we like and respect—the people who have a sense of dignity and self-esteem. When you define what you like and what you don’t like, it is easier to attract the right opportunity and get promoted.

You rarely see people criticizing or making derogatory remarks to senior executives. It just isn’t done thanks to the boundaries those executives have in place. 

Your needs will diminish and your confidence will increase

Write down three boundaries you would like to put in place, and start informing people of them. Once you do that, you may find that you don’t need to set them that much. For example, if you have the need to be respected, and your friends and colleagues show up late when meeting you or interrupt you when you are speaking, you may feel that they disrespect you. It will take a concerted effort to retrain and educate those around you about how you wish to be treated from now on. Once you have that boundary in place, people will naturally treat you better. The better we are treated by others, the better we feel about ourselves and the more self-assured and confident we become. 

Adapted from "Coach Yourself to a New Career," by Talane Miedaner, McGraw-Hill.

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