Tips to Handle Anger
A statement to properly communicate your anger needs to contain two thoughts: the fact that you are angry and the reason for it, as well as what you want the other person to do about it.
The next time you are angry, say, “I feel concerned (or angry) because __________. I would like you to ________.”
Every situation is different, of course, words may vary but you will be more successful if you follow these tips:
- Avoid saying you, always, and never statements. Instead use I statements.
- Keep away from name-calling, insults, or sarcasm.
- If you confront someone about inappropriate behavior, don’t back down. If you end up giving in, next time the person behaves inappropriately your words of confrontation will mean nothing.
- There is no need to argue. If the other person gets defensive, listen carefully and say, “I understand you don’t agree with me and you have a right to your point of view. But I would appreciate it if you’d think about what I’ve said.”
- Look directly at the person as you speak. This helps you to communicate sincerely.
- Notice your voice, tone, and inflection. If you can control and use your voice effectively, you can acquire a powerful tool for self-expression.
Handle Your Anger
December 2010
It can be difficult to express anger appropriately, either at home or at work. Some think getting angry is inappropriate and a sign that someone is out of control. Others are afraid of anger--that of others as well as their own. They fear that if they show it, they will be abandoned. Anger is neither a positive nor a negative emotion; it is the way we handle our anger-–what we do with it--that makes it negative or positive. For example, when we use our anger to motivate us to make positive life changes it can move us forward. When we express our anger through aggressive or passive aggressive ways (gossiping, getting even), it becomes negative. Allowing yourself to express your anger in constructive ways is healthy and empowering.
A productive way to deal with anger is to discover the origin of your beliefs about it. Think of your family members and how they deal with anger; explore your ‘anger legacy.’ Also, become aware if you misplace angry feelings. For example, do you cry when you are actually just feeling angry? Or do you pretend to forgive someone when you are still seething?
It is also helpful to understand what scares you about feelings of anger and why exactly you might avoid expressing them. Do you fear being rejected for showing your true emotions? Do you worry about hurting other people’s feelings? Do you think if you express your anger you will be seen as irrational? The truth is, most of the time, your feelings of anger are natural indicators of things in your life that you need to face or change. If expressed in a constructive way, they can provide you with the courage to confront people and situations in your life that are unhealthy.
There are different ways to express your feelings that don’t involve direct confrontation. Try writing a letter to a person who has hurt you and you feel angry towards. Write down what you want to say with the security of knowing that you do not have to send the letter. You might be surprised by the emotion you were keeping locked up!
It is important to recognize the damage you cause yourself and others by not expressing your anger. If you have a tendency to repress or suppress anger, you have lost touch with an important part of yourself. Getting angry can be a way to assert your rights, express your displeasure with a situation, and let others know how you wish to be treated.
Adapted from ‘The Nice Girl Syndrome’ by Beverly Engel, Wiley.
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