The Secret to Great Listening

Today there is a high value placed on multi-tasking and constantly monitoring all of your various forms of electronic communication from both home and work.  It is high stress all day every day.  At the same time anyone in management in a company is being told they have to be a better listener.  It is not just quantity of time you spend listening, it is the quality of that time, you are told that counts.  You have attended all of the seminars and learned lots of ‘techniques’ for focusing on the other person, yet you know that you are not really connecting with others.  You are too busy putting out fires to really listen. 

The problem is that all of the training works on the head and great listening is really a heart issue. 

That is true whether you are listening to your kids or your employees or your manager.  Viktor Frankl suggested in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, that between stimulus and response there is a gap and in that gap is where all of the opportunities for your freedom and power exist. When your conscious mind is in a state of high alert/tension, there is no gap between stimulus and response.  The possibilities that we perceive are few if any.  Tension causes the age old fight or flight mechanism to kick in.  Blood flows to your major muscle groups, not your brain.  Our processing of information is hampered not enhanced when we are always multi-tasking and under pressure.  Small or no gap between stimulus and response means you have a limited ability to focus on others.

If you are forming your response and/or defense before the other person gets done talking to you, you know that there is no gap between stimulus and response.  Your brain is on autopilot and you are about to not hear all of what is being said and most certainly you will miss what is the emotion behind the words.  Great listeners hear all of the words and all of the meaning behind the words.  The quality of your listening is a function of how well you hear and feel all of what is being communicated.  

I suggest that you learn to put a gap between stimulus and response.  Not a large gap, just a small one.    Shift your focus from your head to your heart.  Do that by becoming aware of your tension, choosing to slow it down for a minute or two.  Instead of listening for how you can fix the other person, listen from your heart for the other person’s greatness and talents.  Create a gap where you look straight from your heart to their eyes.  The connection will occur and the quality of your listening will go up.  

Put several post-it notes around home and work that state – Stimulus  Gap   Response.  They will be your reminder to not blurt out an answer when what your child, your spouse or your employees want is your heart.