Betsy Brown Braun
Q&A with Betsy
On being the mother of triplets:
“As much experience and as many degrees as I have, nothing taught me more than the on-the-job, tried-and-true work with my kids; it was like having a little classroom. Human beings learn more from their failures than from their successes, and I had my fair share.”
On good parenting:
“You don’t go in the front door, you go in side door. Children have a natural instinct to resist, because they are working so hard to find their place in the world. When a parent comes on from a power position, they will fail. But when they come on from a supportive and validating position, still being clear and firm, they will be more successful.”
On the generation gap:
“Parents are having kids at an older age now and most have had a chance to have a successful career. Parenting now has become very studied and goal-oriented; they forget that kids are people. Children thrive on trusting relationships where they feel respected, not manipulated. You have to consider who your kid is.”
On her worst parenting nightmare:
“It was when my triplets were about two months old: My husband was out of town, I didn’t have help in the house and I was nursing. All three babies woke up hungry at the same time, screaming and crying, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I reached for the tape recorder and told myself, ‘I have to remember this moment because I know I’m going to get through it, look back and be fine’.”
Initiate Self-Reliance
May 2011
As far as parenting goes, one of the trickiest tasks is generating self-reliance.
The idea is to strike a healthy balance between the tasks your children take on independently and your level of participation in other activities. By doing this, you will support a child to grow up knowing how to handle life’s curve balls. Below you will some effective strategies to help your little one develop into a confident, autonomous adult.
LESS IS MORE
Most kids today just have way too much stuff. And sometimes having too much from which to choose gets in the way of making any choice at all. When he doesn’t have a lot to choose from, your child is more likely to be creative with the things he has. A shoe makes an excellent cargo ship, filled with cars, on the carpet ocean.
ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO STRUGGLE
Refrain from offering the quick fix when your child is having trouble. Sit on your hands and zip up your lips! Saying “Here, let me do that for you” or “Let me show you how to do it” may assuage your own inability to tolerate the struggle, but it won’t teach your child perseverance and self-reliance. Instead, support him in his efforts by saying, “Wow, you really are working hard on that. You amaze me.”
IGNORE A NASTY RESPONSE
Know that your child will be disappointed and frustrated when you don’t jump in and help him out. (“You never help me do anything!”) Take pains to stay on track and not be derailed by his reaction. Remember, the goal is to get the child to think for himself. Drawing you into a fight will be a great distraction for him, so steer clear. “I’ll be in the kitchen, so let me know when you are done,” sends the right message.
DON’T INTERRUPT
When your toddler or preschooler is engaged in an activity of any kind, resist the temptation to involve yourself. Don’t even ask, “What are you doing over there?” or “Is everything okay?” Such questions give your child the message that he shouldn’t be entertaining himself. In fact, the opposite is true. When you see that your child is busy, become involved in an activity of your own. Later you can praise what you saw. “It looked like you were really busy playing while I folded the laundry.”
PROVIDE A (LEGAL) MESSY SPACE
Working with art materials of all kinds provides great opportunities to be resourceful. But if your child is afraid that Mommy will be mad if I made a mess, the opportunity will be lost. Teach your child how to use a variety of materials and tools, and then let him go. Protect the floor with a drop cloth, cover the table if need be, but make it work. Don’t spoil the moment with your own fears of a mess.
MAKE MISTAKES
Children need to see their parents making mistakes in order to accept mistakes when they make them.
Adapted from “You’re Not the Boss of Me,” by Betsy Brown Braun, HarperCollins.
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