Tidy Up Your Emotional House

March 2011

Even if things look great for you from the outside—great career, family and friends—chances are there is always something that isn’t measuring up to your high standards, causing you to spill that dissatisfaction into other areas of your life. Using the metaphor of a house, you can identify the areas of your life that may be bringing you down:

The bedroom is where you explore intimacy; your connection to your mate or search for a life partner. The bathroom is where you face issues of health, well-being, body image and aging. The family room is where you deal with those closest to you, such as parents and siblings. The basement is filled with childhood memories from your upbringing, and the experiences that have shaped your life. The living room is where social connections happen, where you deal with friendships and neighbors. The kitchen involves emotional nourishment and sustenance, even food. Here you discuss chores and the division of labor. The child’s room is all about parenting, and the question of whether or not to have children. The office involves your career and other meaningful work; it’s where you handle your finances. Finally, the attic holds emotional heirlooms—the expectations of your ancestors, where you come from and what they want you to do. 

Each time one of your rooms is not in order, you have a choice to make: either shut the door behind you and clean it up later, or dive right in. To deal with an issue in the now, you must identify the patterns of behavior that are creating the messes. Problem solvers called key processes can break old negative patterns when you pair them with productive thoughts. These thoughts are referred to as pearls—little sound bites of wisdom you can carry with you to work through problems and tidy up your emotional house.

Key Processes & Pearls

Screening: Seeing today’s events through the “screen” of past memories, and bringing this perspective to each one.
Pearl: You can’t live in the past. Now is it.

Pinging: Also called mirroring; it’s the feedback from loved ones you trust. You use these signals to guide your way when making decisions.
Pearl: Be authentic, be true to you.

A+B=C: This relationship equation applies to every close tie you have, especially when there’s conflict with someone you love.
Pearl: You can’t change them. You can change yourself.

Self-Involvement: Also called narcissism; you can be overly involved in yourself, affecting your relationships with others.
Pearl: It’s not all about you.

Either/or: Give up the all-or-nothing mentality and realize that two contrasting ideas can be true at once. Learn to tolerate emotional discomfort.
Pearl: Conflict can be okay.

Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing: Being too nice or too giving can suck the life out of you. Take care of yourself. It’s not selfish; it’s self-preservation.
Pearl: Know your limits. Be strong to help others.

Not Making Decisions: If you put off a major decision and you think it will wait, delaying is a form of action in itself. To delay is to act, even if it’s passive.
Pearl: Go (with the status quo) or grow. 

Adapted From "The Nine Rooms Of Happiness" by Lucy Danziger & Catherine Birndorf, M.D., Hyperion. 

Read Lifestyle feature: Tackle the Clutter Now!

Read Lifestyle feature: Eat Green, Save Green

Read Lifestyle feature: Hair Rescue 911

Read Lifestyle feature: Cook Yourself Thin

Read Lifestyle feature: Green Your Cleaning