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When we talk about sex, there's usually controversy involved. (And everyone has an opinion). But the fact of the matter is, if you are in a romantic relationship and sex is not good, your relationship may go through some tough times.
Why is good sex so important, take a look.
1. It helps sustain intimacy. Most of us realize that the ability to be intimate with a partner is not just what goes on between the sheets, but involves communicating and listening to each other, among other things.But if sex is not happening enough, or non-existent, something is wrong in the relationship that needs to be addressed.
2. It's a stress reducer. The stress of everyday life brings with it many difficulties, good sex is a great way of releasing tensions that have been building up.
3. It fosters honesty. When your body releases pent up tensions through sex, and sex has been satisfying for both partners, there is an opportunity for more open communication.
4. It creates deeper ties. When you know someone on different levels, sex can be a culmination of how much you really care for your partner.
5. Life gets very busy, you have to make the time. It's essential to put the effort into creating "dates" with each other to rekindle the passion between you. If there has been a lull, here are some things to keep in mind.
. Don't deny it. You are feeling some tension between the two of you, address it.
. Be seductive, you initiate. Set the stage for some enjoyable sex.
. Notice when your partner is being seductive, observe if you are putting him off, too many times. What's really behind you're being too busy?
Turning our mate into our soulmate is a process that requires daily attention, if not the occasional minute-by-minute effort when we must remember to choose love. Choosing love is when we realize that our partner's happiness is as important to us as our own happiness and that we are committed to sharing with that person our appreciation, affection and attention....When we find ourselves noticing or even obsessing about our partner's imperfections, we remember to stop and manage our thoughts and reframe them in a positive manner....
The lessons learned from happy couples are simple, yet the results can be life-changing.
1. Express your love and affection--often.
2. Show care. It's the little gestures that mean everything.
3. Learn to love what your partner loves, so you can participate in some of his or her passions.
4. Practice vulnerability and share yourself with authenticity and honesty, always with tremendous love, kindness and generosity.
5. Remember to find the beauty and perfection in the imperfection.
Adapted from Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate by Arielle Ford.
No one likes to feel defeated. No one likes to feel uncomfortable. No one likes to feel that they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But we all go through these tough times. Here are some ways to pull through when things are getting you down.
It’s okay to feel bad.
Even the people you admire the most have gone through tough times. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and don’t put yourself down. When we are not in touch with our emotions and sensations, we’re listening to negative mind-talk. Mad mind-chatter gets you nowhere.
You’ve been here before.
Look at your track record. You’ve felt these feelings, you weren’t sure how you would get back up again, but you did. Even if you don’t feel this way, have faith that your desire to push through is greater than your feelings of defeat.
There’s good in the bad.
Everything that happens to us is for our growth. When we see things with that perspective, we can connect with what we’ve learned from even the most painful experience. It’s often in times of stress that the greatest learnings happen.
1. You feel more agitated together than when you are alone.
2. You look to find more time to be away from home.
3. You feel very needy because your need for closeness is not being met.
4. You find yourself fantasizing about other people.
Everybody makes mistakes; we are only human, after all. But there are mistakes we can avoid to steer clear of a catastrophic end to a relationship.
Not being honest
This is a huge mistake that can rock your relationship. Honesty is one of the most important pillars that support a healthy relationship. If you’re not honest with your partner, you’re really hurting yourself.
Just don’t do it. If you find yourself in a situation where you want to cheat you probably aren’t in the right relationship to begin with.
This can be tricky. Sometimes you might take advantage of your partner, not realizing the effect it has on them. He or she might not speak out now, but sooner or later it will cause damage.
Lack of affection
It’s important to keep the spark aflame. Try to be spontaneous every once in a while and remember to tell your partner how much you love them often.
Don’t assume your partner understand how you are feeling. Ask and clarify.
- Barbara Bent
Our society applauds comfort and if we’re uncomfortable, we think there’s something wrong. Discomfort doesn’t mean that at all. In relation to loneliness, we have an opportunity to bring those things in our life which may be lacking.
When you’re lonely, there’s a longing to have someone or something more in your life.
To create a sense of wholeness. It’s okay to be lonely, everyone is at times. It’s okay to want something more in your life. The problem is when you feel like you’re not enough just the way you are. Because there’s nothing wrong with you.
So you’re alone…think of it this way: you’re on your own and creating the life you want.
You bring people and things in and out of your life, but you don’t “need” them to be happy.
Treat yourself with kindness.
You have a lot of options – connect with a friend, share some special time with a pet, or simply ask the little girl inside you what would please her. Listen for the answer, and take action on her behalf.
It’s never too late.
If there are areas in your life that are lacking, you have the power to get what you want. Be honest with yourself and write down ways you can manifest those things. Watch your “mad mind-chatter” trying to talk you out of it. Don’t give it the upper hand.
“In order to live the life we want, we must do what we’ve never done. It’s okay to be afraid, as long as we’re willing to take one step forward and move on.”
– Helene Lerner
“Relationships are eternal. The 'separation' is another chapter in the relationship. Often, letting go of the old form of the relationship becomes a lesson in pure love much deeper than any would have learned had the couple stayed together.”
– Marianne Williamson
“We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes, taking things too personally.”
– Tenzin Gyatso, the Dalai Lama
“It’s easier to let go when you’re not looking for things to be perfect. When you accept imperfections, and know that you are enough, just the way you are, change happens.”
– Helene Lerner
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
– Steve Maraboli
“What has holding on gotten you? Lots of headaches, stomach cramps, worrying, and deeper wrinkles…So isn’t it time to do something different?”
– Helene Lerner
1. A spirit of excitement
They like to try different ways of doing things. They appreciate learning and see growth as a necessary part of everyday life.
2. A sense of confidence
They know who they are deep down and are not afraid to say NO if something doesn't feel right.
3. A big heart
They feel deeply and are extremely perceptive.
4. Honest communication
They are used to saying what they feel, even if it is uncomfortable to do so. They know that things left unsaid can kill any relationship.
They know that to get through life's hurdles, you need to have a sense of humor. So no matter how challenging things get, they find the humor in the situation, which gives them a balanced perspective.
Of course sex is very important in any relationship, and there has to be chemistry between the two of you, but there are other things that are equally, if not more important.
Lack of honesty can destroy any relationship. It is the foundation of trust.
Knowing someone is on your side when the going gets tough can pull you through terrible times.
In "growing" a life with another person, what creates lasting love is your ability to trust each other. As two individuals, you don't cling to each other but give each other space to pursue your interests and dreams.
Not holding on to slights and mistakes. We are very imperfect beings and we are bound to slip up, what's really matters is to express yourself truthfully, and let go.
What other things do you see as non-negotiable in a relationship? Let us hear from you.
Are you always the single friend? You might actually have an advantage over the friends who are constantly in relationships. Here are 3 ways being single can prepare you for a great relationship.
You get to know yourself
What do you really want in life? Do you want kids? Would you rather live in a big city or a small town? When you don’t have another person to influence your decisions, you can start to chart your own path, then find a partner who truly wants the same things you do.
You know what you won’t put up with
If you’ve been dating casually for a while, you’ve probably kissed a few frogs. Since you weren’t committed, you had nothing to lose if you decided to walk away because they offended you, or when you realized that you simply weren’t compatible.
You learn to accept your imperfections
The right partner will love you, imperfections and all. But before you can find someone who does, you have to learn to accept your flaws. Being single allows you to see your beauty without trying to win the approval of others.
There is no simple answer to what causes the millions of breakups and divorces that occur every year. In actuality, there are hundreds of reasons why relationships end, and everyone has a unique story to tell. But researchers do point to five unexpected behaviors that if repeated over time, can cause permanent damage to any couple’s love bond.
Nagging is a frustrating dance that many of us fall prey to. It can be defined as one partner repeatedly making requests to the other, who regularly ignores it. The Wall Street Journal calls this type of communication “toxic”, and experts say it can eventually sink a relationship. When repeated nagging occurs, I call it a “Death by 1000 Paper Cuts”. Men and women both nag, but apparently women do it more. Nagging can be potentially as dangerous to a marriage as infidelity.
Repeatedly attacking your partner’s personality or character rather than focusing on the actual behavior that bothers you and discussing it in a mature and effective manner.
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention of causing harm. Openly disrespecting him or her. This includes name calling and cursing, hostile behavior or body language (such as eye rolling), and putting your partner down.
Needing to defend yourself whenever you perceive your partner criticizing you. Always disagreeing with what he or she is saying, or rebutting with a complaint of your own.
Withdrawing from the conversation or the relationship. Refusing to discuss something or physically disappearing. Holding a grudge or feeling resentful towards your partner for several days, or weeks.
As a trained relationship therapist, I can generally spot these behaviors from a mile away. Interestingly, many people are completely unaware they are even engaging in the behaviors to begin with, let alone comprehending the damage they do. Although many people (including me) have engaged in one or more of these behaviors from time to time, repeated use will cause one or both partners to feel frustration, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and alienation.
All couples have arguments, and that is perfectly normal. It’s not necessarily the conflict per se that sinks a relationship — it’s how the disagreement or the communication is handled. When conflicts are poorly handled and these five behaviors are involved, it has the potential to cause a great deal of damage to the relationship and to the individuals.
If you feel that during your marriage you participated in any of these behaviors, you’ll do yourself a world of good to admit the part you played and work towards examining where the behavior originated. Many of the answers will come from how you were raised and how your parents behaved with each other and with you. It’s hard and painful work, but honest self-examination will always lead towards profound growth.
Adapted from "Five Unexpected Behaviors That Sink a Marriage"
- RACHEL A. SUSSMAN, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer with a private practice in New York City. For more information visit her website: http://www.sussmancounseling.com
Sometimes our reaction to feeling lost is to go under the covers, curl up, and eat some ice cream. We may feel that others around us seem to be at a better place than we are. The truth is, everyone feels lost at times. For many, it’s a catalyst to move forward.
You simply don’t want to be there.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling and no one likes it. Let this be the motivation you need to take the next step outside of your comfort zone.
It pushes you to define what you really want.
Sometimes, if you feel lost, it’s because you’re vague and unclear on what your deep motivation is. Take time to reflect on what you truly want and how you can make it happen.
It opens you up to new experiences.
You meet new people, explore new interests, things you’ve put on the back-burner are seen with fresh eyes. Soon you find that you’re not lost at all, but excited about the possibilities ahead of you.
1.This too shall pass.
Nothing is permanent. In a week, a month...this won't even be an issue.
2. You can handle it.
Call on your track record. Look at similar things from your past, and remind yourself how you handled them.
3. You don't have to do this alone.
Call on friends who can talk you down. You're there for them, let them for there for you.
4. Watch your negative "mind-talk."
If you dwell on what's negative, you will only feel worse. If these thoughts come up, turn your attention on something else.
5. Look for the lesson.
There is a learning in everything that happens to us, the good and the bad. See what the message is here.
6. Forgive any mistakes.
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. If you could have done better, you would have.
6 Things Positive People Do Everyday
1. Don't dwell on negative thoughts.
2. Help someone in trouble.
3. Offer kindness to people they deal with.
4. Acknowledge what they actually "do", not what they "don't do."
5. Think BIG, not small.
6. Have a belief in something greater than themselves.
3 Things That Stop Communication In Any Relationship
1. Criticizing and judging the other person. Playing on someone’s weaknesses is deadly. STOP: Let something good be said. Acknowledge what that person is doing right.
2. Not believing things can change. When you tell yourself that, there is really no reason to continue on. STOP: Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Changes happen all the time.
3. Feeling like no one hears you. If you really feel that no one is listening, why share yourself? But have you confronted that person, or have you assumed that they are uninterested. STOP: Be direct, to the point, and ask if they care about what’s going on with you—or is it something else? Listen to their response—you’ll probably have a good idea of what’s happening.
5 Reasons Strong Women Move On
1. They are unappreciated.
2. They are being “talked down to.”
3. They feel like there’s no give and take. (They do most of the giving).
4. They want to create a “big” life, and they are “playing small.”
5. They have no time for gossip and pettiness.
Time to don your red nose because today is Red Nose Day! It’s a charity that has raised over $1 billion worldwide for kids in need through sharing giggles by sporting red noses that you can purchase at your local Walgreens. As part of Comic Relief, Inc., an organization that makes grants to charity partners, Red Nose Day is one of their largest campaigns to raise funds for impoverished children around the globe. The origins of Red Nose Day began 26 years ago in England and came to the United States just last year. Its efforts have made a difference—last year the campaign raised $23 million. To put that in perspective, it meant 7.8 million meals for children in the U.S., one million disease-fighting drugs distributed around the world, over 50,000 American children and families that now have medical service available, and over 30,000 families with clean water worldwide. Tonight at 9/8c, a 2-hour Red Nose Day Special will air on NBC television and feature a number of celebrities. To donate to the cause, visit www.rednoseday.org.
- Barbara Bent
Also, check out this video to learn more:
In a meeting with senior leaders you think of something valuable to say…then you start the inner debate: should I say it now? What if they think I’m wrong? What if it shows I don’t know enough?
Ever get confused why you hesitate, especially when you speak up freely with peers and direct reports?
Here are three reasons why you might hesitate to speak up – and the easy fixes to help you bring your best contribution to the organization.
1. You make senior leaders “one up” and you “one down.” That puts a lot of pressure on you. “I better say something earth-shattering or else wait…”
In those situations you are being Subjective - deciding what to contribute to your organization based on your concern for what other people will think about you. And based on your own opinion of yourself as (potentially) not knowing enough.
You’ll be able to speak up without hesitation when you can be Objective – clear about what you do know, and what you don’t know – and being able to state that powerfully. And when you have conviction about the value of what you do know.
2. You make it about “you.” In the crunch of the moment you are making decisions about what to contribute based on how it will impact you or your perception by others.
Instead, ask yourself: “who in the organization will benefit by me saying this?” It might be providing information that could help the leader make a decision. Or your point indicates a potential unintended consequence of a plan. Or you are providing a new perspective that will stimulate everyone else’s creativity.
In other words, be confident by taking yourself out if it! Your organization is not paying you to make decisions based on your negative self talk. You are paid to contribute to the organization based on how you can contribute to your colleagues, customers, clients, patients, etc. Fill yourself with love and a sense of purpose toward those end users of your comments.
You will be able to speak up without hesitation when you focus on who will benefit from your contributions.
3. You are not equipped with influential ways of speaking up or pushing back. Its always important to speak up with influence but most difficult to state information that offers disagreement, or pushes back on senior leaders’ assertions.
Its easier when you have concise phrases that stand your ground while still making the other person feel respected. Here are 3 ways you could say it:
a) Point out what you think is ‘right’ about their point/decision, then ask a question about an additional point to consider
b) Speak up concisely with what you want to say -- why you think it’s important to add, a question that leads in the direction you think is important for them to consider.
c) Suggest you think it would support their plan if you could offer to think through possible unintended consequences.
Make sure you use a tone that shows genuine interest in building upon the leader’s ideas. Even if you are disagreeing, you are engaging in a constructive problem solving discussion intended to further improve the leader’s idea.
You work so hard to have knowledge and be good at what you know. Rise above your own self talk so you can enjoy the fruits of your hard work. Have the courage to say what will be helpful – and the skill to say it so it can be heard!
Equipped with these kinds of phrases for saying your ideas, you’ll feel empowered to speak up even in the face of the most intimidating people or in a room full of people talking loudly over one another!
- Sharon Melnick, PhD
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep
1. Nothing last forever, and you won't feel this way soon. So take steps in the right direction and have faith that change will happen.
2. You really want something BADLY. You are probably discouraged because something has not materialized that you really want. Don't quit just before the miracle!
3. Don't deny your growth. When things seem the darkest, these are usually periods of great growth. Reflect on the lessons you have been learning.
4. Even though people around you may be saying NO, counteract that by saying YES to yourself. Recommit to go after something you truly want. Let your anger be used constructively to fuel you taking additional actions.
5. If everything fails, remember you have YOURSELF. Repeat this mantra: "I have enough, I do enough, I AM enough."
6 Quotes To Help You Reclaim Your Power Under Stress
How do strong women reclaim their power when they're under stress? Get inspired by them with these quotes!
1. “It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough.”
– Melody Beattie
2. “Getting our power is like exercising, each day we must make a commitment to focus ourselves and define who we are.”
– Brenda Ginsberg
3. “I am going to be like a warrior, I am going to fight and if I don’t win, then at least I’ve tried.”
– Paloma Cernuda
4. “Power is claiming a direction for yourself. As females, we need to pursue our talents, taking charge and claiming what we think we can do.”
– Adele Scheele, PhD
5. “So often I have listened to everyone else’s truth and tried to make it mine. Now, I am listening deep inside for my own voice, and I am softly, yet firmly, speaking my truth.”
– Liane Cordes
6. “I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it’s only a choice of attitude.”
– Judith Knowlton
From Our Power as Women by Helene Lerner