Orna and Matthew Walters are expert relationship coaches who know firsthand what it’s like to struggle finding love. Luckily, both realized what was standing in their way and they found each other. Now they’ve formed Creating Love on Purpose and have advice on how you can bring your beloved into your life.
You often use the term “beloved” interchangeably with “soulmate.” Why is this?
Matthew: We shy away from the term “soulmate” because there’s the implication that a soulmate is destined. This puts the power outside you and into the hands of fate, which is the opposite of our work. We call our work “creating love on purpose.”
Who exactly is our “beloved”?
Orna: Your beloved, or soulmate, is someone who inspires you to grow personally and spiritually. The bond pushes you both on track towards your highest and best self.
You often reference a “love imprint.” What is that?
Matthew: Your love imprint is how you learned to receive love from your family. When you feel sudden, “accidental” attraction, you’re acting on your love imprint. This isn’t necessarily the right person for you. Many people struggling in their relationships find they’ve fallen for the same person again and again.
Orna: Part of recognizing your love imprint is also recognizing any limiting beliefs you have. A possible limiting belief you may have is, “All the good ones are taken,” or “I’m destined to be alone.” We encourage people to discover what their subconscious blocks to love are.
If someone doesn’t realize they are blocking love, what’s the best way to narrow down those limiting beliefs?
Matthew: Chart out the patterns in all of your relationships. What were some of the problems? What worked well? Be aware that you are the common denominator in your past relationships. Once at an event, a woman came up to us and said, “Oh I don’t have a problem with men, I just need to stop meeting the crazy ones.” She didn’t yet realize that there was something in her that was attracted to the “crazy ones.”
After recognizing your internalized blocks, what’s the next step?
Orna: Don’t judge yourself harshly. As you begin to notice your own behaviors, just say, “Isn’t that interesting?” Be like a detective, without emotion, without judgment. We tell clients to “date to discover,” but the discovery is on you. Observe how you act around this person. Is it positive or negative?
Matthew: After a date, are you beating yourself up and saying “I should’ve said this” or “I shouldn’t have done that”? Or are you feeling the emotion of the moment, the attraction, and the excitement?
When should someone write off a relationship?
Matthew: We always say, don’t eliminate people unless they have exhibited a deal breaker. You’ll know what your deal breaker is if you wouldn’t let your celebrity crush get away with it.
Orna: For me, my deal breaker is smoking. So when I saw Ewan McGregor on the cover of GQ Magazine with a cigarette, I was like, “Oh crap. Total deal breaker!” Get clear on your values and what your deal breakers are.
What’s the number one mistake people make when looking for love?
Matthew: Making a choice based on the past, as opposed to choosing what your true heart’s desire is. Due to an ex cheating on you, you may say you value honesty and fidelity. But you aren’t really acting on that, you’re acting on the anger, hurt, and sadness driving your choices.
Orna: I would say the number one mistake people make is believing that love is something you get from another person. We don’t get love from another person! We share love with another person. And it’s actually the love we have for ourselves that is reflected back to us in our beloved’s eyes. The key is really transforming your relationship with yourself.
How can you recognize when your beloved comes into your life?
Orna: It’s different for everyone. Often people say, “Oh it’s like a spinning in my stomach, I’m excited, but off balance, and I can’t stop thinking about him.” But that’s a love imprint match, not necessarily love. My relationship with Matthew made me feel completely grounded. It felt like my feet were firmly on the Earth and like I had roots. But I also felt like I had wings and I could take flight whenever I chose.
