In the search for love and a happy relationship, we can come across instances where the relationship becomes toxic. While the toxic person in the relationship is exhibiting negative behavior, there could be habits that you have that can cause you to get right back into another toxic relationship. Here are five habits you could have that attract toxic love and how to manage them so you can find the love you truly deserve.
You Let People Play Mind Games with You
A relationship that consists of toxic love will bring challenges like when your manipulative partner plays mind games with you. You may not realize that your partner is trying to do this, but they will do their best to change your thoughts and the way you see reality. If you allow these mind games to continue it will be what you begin to look for in a relationship, which is not healthy.
The way to deal with mind games is to rise above them. According to author Stanley C. Loewen, you should avoid trying to ‘beat them at their own game,’ as doing so can end up getting you both hurt. Mind games are used because the person is too afraid to confront you directly, or they know you will win the argument. If you stop allowing people to play mind games with you then you will begin to find people who have the right intentions with you.
You Change for Others
If you tend to attract toxic love into your relationships, there is a chance that you tend to change who you are because you have a significant other. You change who you are and what you believe in to satisfy the other person in the relationship, which should not happen. You have to stay true to yourself, that way when the right person comes, they will love you for who you are.
“Showing your true self can, in some cases, mean expressing views that your partner would find offensive or upsetting,” says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. “In balanced authenticity, you reach that optimal level of taking the feelings of your partner into account while still allowing your true self to shine through.” A person who loves you will love you for who you truly are, not what you think they want you to be.
You Allow Your Partner to Control the Relationship
A toxic love can consist of your partner always wanting to be in control, and you allow it to happen. This is unhealthy for a relationship because you are supposed to work together in trying to make the relationship something that is fulfilling and worth investing time into. You attract these toxic relationships because you need to be firm with your boundaries and speak up when something bothers you.
If you leave the relationship or try to fix this part of it, there may be challenges trying to break these old habits. According to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., it takes care, planning, and multiple steps. If your first attempt to make changes or get out of the relationship fails, take a breath, and give yourself a break then try again. You can look for a support system of people who will be willing to help you get out of the toxic situation. Change involves being able to remember that you are an important part of a relationship and you have a say in what happens, and your feelings are valid.
You Take the Blame for Things You Shouldn’t
If you tend to blame yourself for the actions that your partner does, it can be a reason why you keep attracting toxic love. You want to do anything to keep the relationship going, but if you are letting them get off the hook with things that are unacceptable without an apology, then it is not a healthy relationship to be in. Your partner should be able to take responsibility and apologize for their wrongdoings.
Before getting into another relationship, be sure to learn how to stop self-blaming yourself for anything that happens in a relationship. According to Preston Ni, M.S.B.A., you should not self-blame but instead, look at yourself as a work in progress, and each difficult experience as an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve. Knowing to apologize for your own mistakes is important but making excuses for others not apologizing isn’t something you should do.
You Don’t Acknowledge Your Worth
When you don’t believe that you deserve better, you get stuck in relationships where the only thing they offer is toxic love. If you don’t acknowledge your worth you will start to think that these relationships are the only ones you deserve. This is not true, because once you embrace who you are and are confident in that you will know that toxic love is not what you want in your life.
If you start knowing your worth and having confidence in it, you will begin to attract people with similar characteristics as you. According to Carolyn Rubenstein, Ph.D., to achieve the feeling of being good enough, you must first believe it. If you choose not to do so, then no one can do it for you. Even though you may have insecurities, if you embrace them as part of who you are the right person will learn to love and appreciate you for everything that you are.